The Avon Lady
by Death-By-Bacon
Summary: Temari is home alone and broke. SHE NEEDS A JOB BADLY! So she takes on the epic role as a door-to-door sales woman... Oneshot/CRACK-O-LA!


The Avon Lady

Author's Notes: No one knows why I wrote this story. There is no point. But it was meant to keep me occupied for a while, and it worked. This is old, so I hope it's still good. Not really as funny as other things I've done, but hey… I needed a break from Sasuke and his family so I wrote about the next best thing: Gaara and his family!

Oh wait, I drew a picture of Temari like this and I came up with the story. I remember now.

**The Avon Lady**

By Lauren Schmidt

"I'm broke." Temari muttered, opening the flap of her wallet with her thumbs. After making a quick search for any extra cash, she dropped it on the table and sank sadly in her chair. Kankuro and Gaara were on the other side of the room, fixing two heavily packed bags by the door.

"Temari," Gaara muttered quietly. "You'll be okay with out us for a couple days, right?" Temari turned towards him with a stressed look on her face.

"Yeah, yeah." She sighed. "I'll be fine."

"We'll only be across the village." Kankuro said, picking his bag off the ground and over his shoulder. "We can come home if you can't…handle it."

Temari glared at him. "I'm nineteen years old." She grunted. "I can take care of myself."

"Knock it off." Gaara said sternly. He himself grabbed his bag. "They want us to stay in the inns down there, and I'll be in important meetings all day. It may be hard to come back if we had too."

"Why is Kankuro going again?" Temari asked.

"Because I'm helping with academy student placements." He said in a matter-of-fact tone. "And you need to stay because they need to you run the place here while Gaara's gone."

"Well," Temari moaned, stretching out her arms. "Okay. But I think I'll be job searching today."

"Job searching?" Kankuro froze. "Why would you do that?"

"Because." Temari said standing up. "I need money. I am broke."

"Then don't spend it as fast." Gaara said suddenly, making his siblings remember he was actually in the room. "Anyways, we should be going."

"Oh yeah!" Kankuro grinned. "Then we'll see you later. Bye Temari!" The two opened the door and left.

A moment passed before Temari grabbed the paper and muttered, "Finally, they're gone." She flipped to the job offering page and looked it over.

"Maybe I'll try tomorrow." Temari sighed, but her empty wallet caught her eye. "Nah. Better start today."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The problem for a ninja finding a job was that most businesses didn't really want to hire them. They'd rather pay a small fee for a tiny D-Mission. Besides, ninjas don't always have the time to work in spite of missions. This was something Temari had yet to learn, although she was catching on very fast.

"Hi, my name is Temari!" she had said for the tenth time today, the last job available on the list. The man looked at her as if she was crazy.

"Someone already came in for that position." He said quickly, moving as far away from Temari as possible. You see, the villagers all seem to know Temari from her…unusual violent temper if you will…

And so, defeated, Temari began to walk home with the job offers ad in hand. Sadly, she thought about her empty wallet and her empty piggy bank and well…she thought about not having money.

_Maybe Gaara was right. Maybe I do spend all my friggin' money_. She thought about it. _But I really want to buy stuff_! She suddenly felt her nose smash against someone's back, as she had blindly ran into another person. The blow knocked her right on her butt.

"Sorry!" she mumbled, clutching her bruised nose. "I'm really clumsy sometimes! I didn't mean to!" She looked up to see a woman in lavender clothes holding her newspaper in her hand. Temari must've dropped it.

"Not at all!" she said suddenly, in the sweetest sugar coated voice Temari had ever heard. "I looks as if you're looking for a job, yes?"

"Yeah…" Temari mumbled. "So what if I am?"

"I have a job that would _knock your socks off_!" The woman giggled. "Would you be interested?"

Boy, she was straight forward. "Uh…sure." Temari said, getting to her feet. "I… I mean, that would be great!"

"You look like you have the business attitude!" the woman grinned. "I'm Susan."

Temari took the paper from Susan. "I'm Temari." She scratched her head. "So, what kind of job is it?"

"Sales woman." Susan said automatically.

"Selling what?"

Susan suddenly pulled a briefcase out. "Avon® products! Makeup! Beauty products!"

"Oh." Temari said. "An Avon Lady."

"Yes!" Susan cried. "Of course, we only need a temporary job, but it pays well, and if somebody's needed in the future, you'd be the first one we'd call!"

"Ah." Temari said. "Sounds good. When do I start?"

"Well," Susan said. "We'll need to add you to the Avon family today and train you in Avon business…but by tomorrow, and the next few days, you'd have a busy schedule."

"That's great." Temari said. "I'd like to start as soon as possible."

"Great!" Susan said in a shockingly loud voice that made Temari jump. "Let's get you Avonified!" She grabbed Temari's hand and took off.

……………………………………………………………………………………………...

"You look fabulous!" Susan said as Temari looked in the mirror. She was wearing a thick lavender jacket neatly buttoned up with a pink plaid skirt, two clean white loafers and a little lavender cap. It screamed, "Burn me!"

"I look…"

"Like an Avon Lady!" Susan interrupted her. "You have that Avon look."

"Great." Temari muttered. "Listen. I'd like to get trained quickly. I need to get some money."

"Sure!" Susan cried. "Let's get to our first house!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"_Avon calling_!" Susan shouted while obnoxiously ring the door bell while also knocking it. She turned to Temari. "That's what we say when we go up to a door. _Avon calling_!"

Suddenly, Temari saw the knob turn from the other side, and slowly, the door opened. A large man with an excited looking woman emerged.

"Oh wow!" the woman cried. "It's Avon week! I've been waiting for you!" Her voice suddenly became hollow and almost possessed sounding with that last sentence. She blinked the crazed look away and led them in. Her husband did not look pleased.

"So, who's the girl?" the woman asked.

"Avon Lady-in training Temari!" Susan giggled. "Now then, let's get to the sales, shall we!"

And so, Temari observed the ancient and secret ways of selling the Avon name. The rituals and steps necessary of Avon; free samples, test colors, and buy one get one free… It became clear to her that Avon was an ancient cult of many proportions and knew exactly what they were doing. By the end of the day of much observing, Temari went home knowing all she needed to know. She hung up her lavender uniform, took a long, relaxing shower, and went off to bed with the color names in her head.

The next morning, Susan was waiting outside the Kazekage mansion with Temari's supplies for the day. Temari, clean and neat in her little plaid skirt and white shoes thankfully took them, and with a short farewell, she went off to find the houses she needed to hit for the day.

The first neighborhood wasn't far from Temari's home, and Temari quickly sprinted off to the first house. Holding the handle of her suitcase, she walked up to the front door and knocked.

"Avon calling!" Temari shouted, knocking loudly. A small boy came to the window.

"Who're you?" he asked.

"I'm Temari Sandsquad." Temari said quickly. "I'm your local Avon representative. I come with great deals on all our Avon products and cosmetics. May I see you mother out here?"

The boy was silent for a moment, then looked at her sternly. "Get off our property, of I'll cal the cops." Temari froze. That never happened to Susan. Still, she smiled.

"I need to see your mother, young…man." She grinned. "I have Avon products!"

"Go away, or I'll get the hose." He said with gritted teeth.

"But I…" Temari began but stopped short when she heard the sound of a hose starting, and took off for the house across the street. This house looked much like the last one, except a woman was already outside watering flowers.

"Avon calling!" Temari called, making the woman jump. She spun around.

"A-a-a-avon?!" she sputtered in shock, and began to back away. "But I…I got rid of you!"

"I only want to sell Avon products…" Temari said, her smile gone.

"Stay back!" the woman suddenly screamed and grabbed her watering can to throw it at Temari.

"Fine!" Temari said, backing away from the dreaded watering can. "I'll just go to another house…"

"No you won't!" she hissed. "I'll stop you in all your rein of terror!"

"Listen, lady, I'll go…"

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the woman suddenly shrieked and hurled the watering can with full force towards the happy sales woman.

Luckily, Temari was a fast runner, and was already at the house next door.

And so, that was pretty much how it was all down the street. She only sold products to two houses, in which they both bought very little.

_I need this money_, she thought. I will not allow anybody to push me away. Again, with a stern look, she walked up the steps of her last house. She was quite hungry, for she had missed lunch battling with the forces of the angry customers. But despite this, she pounded her fist into the door with a somewhat crazed look.

"AVON. CALLING." She said through gritted, tired teeth, but still managed to force a smile. At first no one came to the door, then suddenly, a woman emerged.

"May I help you?" she said without an ounce on insanity in her eyes. Temari almost shrieked with joy.

"You look like you need some Avon products!" Temari said grinning. The woman stared for a moment.

"I'm terribly sorry, hon." She said. "But I don't use Avon. And I really don't need any more cosmetic items. My bathroom cabinet is full!"

Temari stared, her excited look had disappeared. Suddenly, however, she forced it back. "Don't be silly!" she cried. "I know those products are a piece of crap, and you really should buy something…"

"I don't think so." The woman said, her voice suddenly nervous. She began to shut her door.

"I think you should." Temari began again, prying the door open with her ninja strength.

"No, no. I really shouldn't…" the woman said once more, now become frightened. Suddenly Temari flung the door out of her hands and swept it open with a bang.

"Listen." Temari said angrily. "Nobody has bought anything today from me, and I've been threatened and attacked and sworn at and now you'll buy something because I need money, and I have none. That's why I became an Avon representative. Why the hell do you think I like wearing this stupid outfit which is extremely hot because we're in the desert? Why do you think I need money? Because I'm an addictive shopper and I'm suffering withdraws plus I'm angry so if you do not buy anything from me so help me I will make you look like an accident! Are we clear?"

The woman was on the ground cowering. "Y-y-y-yes…"

"Now let's go inside and you can look in my suitcase of wonders, 'kay?"

"O-o-o-okay…"

And so, Temari and the woman went inside and picked out products. At the end of their session, Temari packed up and left, but muttered, "See you next month." As she left.

To finish the day up, Temari made about fifty dollars of sales, all in which she used the same approach. At the end of the day, she found Susan and showed her her profits.

"I'm impressed!" Susan said. "That was a tough neighborhood we assigned you with! You made more than we usually do!" The complement was pleasing, although the thought of how difficult it was made her shiver.

"Don't worry." Susan said. "You won't have to go back there for a while. In the meantime, I have your next neighborhood for tomorrow." She handed Temari a schedule and waved her goodbye and good luck for the next day. Temari went home hoping the next day would be better…

………………………………………………………………………………………………

…It wasn't. In fact every day that week became worse and worse. However, Temari's overly violent approach to it seemed effective, and each day Susan overflowed her with complements and kind words. The worse the days got, the more confident Temari became. She happily made her good share of money, and was able to buy things once more.

It was the last day of the week, and the next day Temari's siblings would come home. She now felt confident as a working class woman and couldn't wait to show them her job. However, knowing them they'd both think otherwise and place their cares into something else. In fact, it had just happened the day before they left, as Temari was showing Gaara a new plant she was growing in her garden when suddenly Kankuro burst through the door and shouted, "There's a street performer outside _juggling_!" and when Temari turned back to Gaara he was gone, and was already on his way downstairs.

This day, however, was odd. When she was just leaving the front door, Temari saw Susan pacing nervously on her front lawn. Surprised to see her this early in the morning, Temari walked towards her curiously. Susan suddenly saw her, but her face was nervous and worried.

"Temari!" she cried. "I need your help! Is this your day off?"

"Yeah." Temari mumbled. "I get Saturdays off, right?"

"Yes, you do, but…" she swelled up with tears. "I have a wedding to go to, and I had a sudden call to sell products at the other side on the village! I can't make it, so I was wondering I you'd like to switch with me. I'm so sorry to bother you on your day off!"

"Wait, you mean they called you?" Temari said.

"Yeah, across the village." Susan said between tears. "Why?"

"That means they actually want to buy!" Temari said. "I can sell to people who want Avon products!" Dramaticly, she pulled her cap out of her bag and put it on her head. "I can do this Susan! I'll do it!"

Susan smiled with pride. "You are such a wonderful student, Temari!" she cried. "I'm proud of you! Go get 'em!"

Temari ran back inside to suit up, and excitedly dashed out the door. Today Temari could make a ton of cash. The feeling welled up inside her, and she began her journey across the village. Because the village was so large, it was long to get to the address Susan had given her. But soon, she arrived to a large building far across the village.

There was a sudden feeling of excitement as Temari ran up into the building. _The fourth floor_, she thought. That's easy enough. She sprinted up the flights of stairs with a determined look on her face. At last she reached the top floor, where she flung open the doors and shouted, "Avon calling!"

The room was filled with high ranking ninjas seated at a round table, but as they turned to look at her, they stood up and ran forward.

"One at a time!" Temari said as female ninjas ran towards her. "I'll get my suitcase out for you to see!" She opened the hatches of the case and showed it to the happy customers. She began to distribute them throughout, and those who couldn't get to had free samples.

"I'm on top of the world." She grinned. "I feel great!" She kept at it until suddenly a voice came in her ear.

"Do you have black eyeliner?" said a strangely familiar voice to her left.

"Yeah sure…" she began, but when she saw who it was, her mouth dropped open. It was Gaara, and apparently, he did not recognize her.

"Ah!" she said nervously. "You don't need to wear eyeliner, right Kazekage-sama? Your eyes are natural…right?" The thought of her brother wearing make-up, which scared her more than she could bear.

Strangely, Gaara looked at her like she was crazy. "I need to level them out." He said. "My eyes are uneven, and I need charcoal black. It's better for my completion."

"Hey, Avon Lady!" came another voice that made Temari's hair stand on end. "You got any face make-up in Pixie Plum Purple number 046?" Temari turned to Kankuro, whose face was heavily done in free sample make-up. "That's my favorite color!"

………………………………………………………………………………………

"I don't understand." Susan said sadly. "You're quitting?"

"It's better this way." Temari sighed. "I had fun, though."

"Well, if that's how it is, fine." Susan took her uniform as if it were a baby. "But you were so…good!"

"Yeah, well…" Temari sighed. "I think I'll be fine. Anyways, I gotta go. My brothers are coming home today, and they're probably home already."

"Alright." Susan said, watching Temari walk away. "Good bye then…"

………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hey, you're home." Gaara said as Temari entered the room. "How was your week?"

"Boring." She said sitting on the couch.

"How's the job searching?" Kankuro said, sticking his head out of the refrigerator.

"Nah," she mumbled. "I'm gonna mooch off you guys like I always do. Kankuro, you got twenty bucks?"

"Yep." He said without thinking. "Here." He tossed a twenty at her and continued to rummage through the fridge.

"So how was the meetings?" she asked.

"Nothing much." Gaara sighed. "You know how it is."

"Sure." Temari muttered. "Of course…"

Authors Notes: You know you'd be happy to see Temari selling Avon products at your door.

I DO NOT OWN AVON NOR THE AVON NAME! I DON'T EVEN OWN AVON PRODUCTS! I JUST THINK THE OUTFITS ARE SILLY!


End file.
